Tired thoughts

I currently work the night shift at an assisted living facility. For the most part the residents are pretty self-sufficient. Some of them need help going to the bathroom and getting dressed but they are pretty good other than that. But sometimes after we help them get ready for the day and leave the room, they go to the bathroom to comb their hair and fix their faces, and then sometimes they get dizzy. And sometimes they fall and they hit their heads. Sometimes after that fall, things just get worse, rapidly. Like they complain of excruciating back pain. Pain so bad that OTC pain relievers will not do anything so they are prescribed a much more supposedly effective narcotic pain reliever in a small dose, and it doesn't do anything either, so we up the dose, and still nothing. So they get sent to the hospital to see what is going on and when they come back, they're kind of responsive for a few hours and then they slip in to a comatose state for a few days. Sometimes you do all you can to make that resident as comfortable as possible while knowing that they probably don't have much time left. Sometimes you know that her state was really hard on her family and that she most likely isn't going to get any better so you just pray that she goes soon so she can be in peace. And sometimes your prayers are answered and when the next shift comes in and you two go to change the resident, you find her not breathing. You check her vitals, and sure enough, she's gone.

This was the first time I've ever been around someone who has recently passed away, especially one who I cared so much about and worked so hard to serve. All morning I could not help but think of how everyone was going on about their day and they had no idea that someone so loved had passed away. How in just a matter of a couple weeks she went from being fine, to becoming fully dependent and then completely unresponsive. And how someone so kind and gentle had lost their mother, whom they loved so dearly.

I wasn't having a hard time, by any means, it was just strange to me how the world didn't stop at the passing such a wonderful lady. As weathered and aged as she was, she was still the sweetest thing and I enjoyed helping her and seeing her beautiful smile every day.

As strange as it is, I felt kind of proud to be the one that found her like that. It was really cool to see what happens to the human body when it expires. While the spiritual and emotional sides of me were sad at her passing, the curious side of me and the side of me that starves to learn more about life and death was really intrigued and actually sort of satisfied. Life. It's just amazing.

3/10/2014

All I want is to be negative. I work with a bunch of girls and most of them don't get along. They also feel it's their own personal duty to make sure you're doing your job correctly. It's a touchy subject. Everyone is so sensitive about it. So I'm going to try and be positive.

 There isn't a lot to do at work tonight. Just made some rolls. There wasn't quite enough but...hopefully that's okay. I'm trying Ben and Jerry's mint chocolate cookie ice cream. Its pretty friggen delicious. I'm on top of laundry and the dishes are drying.

Jared is working tonight so I have someone to talk to, when he's not busy.

I guess this post is kind of like whatever but I had some pent up frustration and I just had to write to get some thoughts out of my head.
Hopefully your day is going well! I wish you all the best.

Gütentag!

4 weeks remaining in life as we know it

Don't worry, this isn't a post on how I'm getting married in 28 days.

As you may or may not know, Psych is a major part of my life and has been since it started. It's my favorite TV show and has been an uplifting source of comedic relief for my otherwise dramatic life. It's on its last 4 episodes and I just don't know what I'm going to do without it. The following is a conversation I had with my friend Jessie about the afore mentioned event. It's a very traumatic time in our lives and I believe because we had Psych, we are able to cope with our loss in such a healthy manner.

Me: ...I just want to cry every time I think about it

Jessie: I must be a better fan because I do in fact cry Every time.... This is awkward.. For you

Me: Hahaha I was crying while I watched it.

J: Oh... Well I bawled like a baby and because I did I got asked if I would donate my tears to the ocean because they were running low and were afraid the sea life would die... So I basically saved the ocean

I: Hahahahaha! Good thing because as I was crying and watching the show, mermaids came to me and told me that my devotion to psych has inspired them and given them the drive they need to stand up to their oppressors and gain their freedom back. They were so oppressed, man. Now they're free. And it's because I'm such a big fan of psych and the whole Santa Barbara police department.

J: Hahahahahahahahahaha I'm dYing! But not as bad as those poor baby belugas! I sad to them "oh baby beluga, oh baby beluga, is the water warm? Is your momma home with you so happy? Way down under where the dolphins play. Where you swim and splash all day.... "And you know what that sweet beluga said "Yeees Jessie, thank you for saving my life and all of the aquatic wild life!" And alas another tear fell and one more but from baby beluga as he said, "Jessie, oh Jessie... I am so sad your show is coming to an end, but you saved millions of lives so rejoice in that!" And I said, "So you're saying this isn't  so much of an end as it is a beginning?" And I swear on my pet ducks grave baby beluga said, "Ehh I've heard it both ways." And the most incredible thing happened, he bestowed upon me a glorious pineapple... A pineapple so glorious it made all other pineapples taste and look like 💩

I: Hahahaha would you believe that the mermaids are really close with the belugas. They told me of this happening and I did not realize it was you they were speaking of. Oh what joy my heart feels for you. But not as much joy as the mermaid kingdoms feel for their rediscovered liberty. It has literally given them powers beyond imagination. So much power that they weren't sure what to do with it. So after blessing me with the name Geronimo Jenkins and dubbing me an honorary mermaid free to sail the 7 seas however I may wish, they set out to free other sea creatures, magical and benign, and tell the tale of the devoted psych fans who saved their lives, homes, and their freedoms.

J: Ok you are the true Penelope! Just when I thought I had topped the story, you pulled that right out of your ass like a true BSer and I am Impressed! Beyond! Belief! Hahaha I love you so much :)

Letter from a missionary

My friend Katie is on her mission in Peru. She sends me e-mails every week to let me know what's going on. Her experience this week was too awesome not to share.

Here's what happened.

I had to go to the immigration office with another Hermana to get some stuff worked out to get my visa soon. So we get there, and our guide has us sit down to wait.

My appointment was scheduled for 3, and my temporary companion, Hermana Bott, hers was at 2. So we go and sit in the 2pm appointment waiting area. After 20

minutes or so of waiting and not doing anything, I pull out the Book of Mormon and start memorizing Moroni' Promise (Moroni 10:4-5), in Spanish. In this scripture,

 there are a lot of verbs in the vosotros form (ex: podréis, habláis, ect.) and Im pretty sure I was butchering all of them.

 

So, without really thinking about it, I turn to the Latino who was sitting next to me, and in my mediorce-american-accent-spanish, I asked him how to say one of these

 kinds of words. He answered, and it was WAY different than I thought it was going to be. He obviously saw right through my confusion, and explained that he might

say it differently though because he has a Brazilian accent. Cool right? We started to talk about why we were in Peru, and I explained that I was on a mission for my

 church for a year and a half. Talked about where I was from and how long I had been here, I talked about how I was here to teach people and do humanitarian work

 as well. He asked if I was going to a lot of different countries, like a kind of tour or something. I explained to him that I was only here in Peru, and that I was called here,

as in it wasnt by my choice, but that I still loved it here. He asked who chose for me, and who is able to go on missions, and I explained how the whole application and

assignment process works, and I talked about prophets and apostles, and how they are all inspired of God and how they recieve revalation from Him. He definitely

thought that pretty cool! We talked about a lot of other stuff like what we do at the CCM, what I did before my mission, and a bunch of other stuff.

 

He then asked, ''So when you go out and knock on peoples doors and want to teach them, what if they dont want to be taught? What if they dont want to listen to your message?

 What if they dont accept it?'' I told him that there are definitely going to be people like that, and Ive already encountered people like that in Peru and back home. But thats just

 one of the great parts of being a missionary. You are a representative of Jesus Christ, but many people still rejected Him when he was on the Earth. I just told him that ultimately,

 we can do everything we can, but God's timing is ruler over everything else. So maybe it wasnt that persons time to have the gospel. I told him that I knew God had a plan and a

 time for each of us to change. Once I said this, things got REALLY GOOD.

 

He started to talk about how he loved studying the Bible, and loved learning about other religions. He asked me about our CCM training, and if we learn about other religions.

 I told him that I actually took a class at my university in the states (BYU) about a lot of different religions around the world. We talked about that for awhile, then he really started

 to talk. He talked about how he knew that God loves us all, and that he gives us each our own gift. ''I have my gifts and blessings, you have your gifts and blessings. But God

 says he is the same before, now and forever. But yet, the Jews seem to get such speical treatment in the Bible. Why isnt God the same with all of his children? Why hasnt he

 blessed and taught the rest of the world in the same way?'' Holy moly, like how perfect of a question is that?!

 

I immediately started to tell him about the Book of Mormon and how it was filled with teachings of Christ from prophets who were in the Americas, and teachings from when Christ

 came and visted the Americas. He asked who the authors were, and I told him that it was written by various prophets of God, just as the Bible is. I also then threw in José Smith

 and how he translated the BoM through the power of God, and that he was a prophet of today's age. We talked about that for a little bit, then he asked if we only believed in the

 Book of Mormon, and not the Bible. (Literally, this guy was the PERFECT investigator, so many good questions. Golden.) I then explained how we believed in both and relied on

 both. I also told him about how I have read the Book of Mormon a few times before my mission, but now being on my mission, Ive started to read the Bible more, and the similarities

 between the two testaments of Christ are insane! I then said, ''Well, I mean it makes sense that they are the same I guess. Christ is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow after all right?''

 

He then started talking about how he had this intense desire to truly know God. Not just to believe in a superior being that is distant from us and doesnt know us personally, but he

wants to know the God that loves us individually. He wants to come unto Christ and follow His example in all things! He said he has had this desire to change his life for long, but

he has never known what to do and what was missing. He said he read the bible a lot, but something was missing. (By this point I was basically freaking out inside and having a

spiritual party in my mind - this guy had been SOOOO prepared by the Lord to be introduced to the gospel, it was blowing my mind.) So then I bore my testimony to him that this

gospel, and these teachings of Christ really would bless his life. I told him that I know he can come unto Christ and know God, through prayer, study, and obedience. I told him

that if we want this faith and we want this change, we have to act on it. I told him I knew this because I had personally been changed through this gospel and through Christ. It was so cool!

After I told him that he just sat there and smiled. I gave him the Book of Mormon that I had, and he just smiled more. It was amazing. I almost started to cry. He thanked me over and over

again, and then we talked for maybe 20 minutes more. And then we went our separate ways.

 

Talk about being prepared and placed by the Lord. I was so lead by the Spirit of what to say and what to do. Like there is NO WAY that God's influence was not a part of that entire conversation.

We talked for an hour and a half! ALL IN SPANISH. Me! And a Brazilian! I spoke spanish, in the present, past and fututre tenseee!!  Man, oh man. I mean, my spanish probably wasnt perfect,

and that man had SOOOO much patience with me, and was so willing to listen and was so willing to learn. It was the coolest experince of my life. Sadly, I didnt get his contact info... but I fasted for him,

hoping and praying that he would find the missionaries, or that the missionaries would find him. I had him read Moronis promise, and I know that he felt the Spirit. I know that he is going to find

answers to his prayers, and he is going to find what he has been looking for. Holy smokes. This gospel is so so true. God is so real.

 

Who knows. Maybe a few years from now, he is going to be giving a talk in his ward, hes been baptized, and hes talking about how this one sister missionary gave him a Book of Mormon in Peru.

Ya never know :) What I do know though is that God has prepared people out here in Peru and all over the world to hear the gospel and to come to Christ. They are literally WAITING for missionaries

to come and to teach them. They have this desire to know the truth, they just dont know where to find it.

My little girl's all grown up!!

I wanna be like Elizabeth Swan

The captain of my ship, sailing where ever my heart desires.

Don't let life

Keep you from living.

the snow has driven me to do this.

I found this post just hanging out in my drafts from about 4 years ago. Maybe it's because we've had such a mild winter but it looks like my feelings toward winter have changed just a little bit. I'd still rather not have to deal with the blasted season but it's more just a mild loathing rather than an all out hatred from every fiber of my bean.


Usually I don't like being a Debby-Downer, but I hate snow.

Hate it.

HATE!

I've met a few people recently (and by 'a few' I mean most of Boise) who absolutely LOVE snow and Winter and cold.

It sickens me greatly.

So here is my list of why I don't like winter.

1-People don't know how to drive in the snow. Once the fluffy white stuff starts coming down, they turn into morons and create havoc on any road they just so happen to be on.

2-It's cold. I can't get warm ever, and the cold makes me need to pee SO bad!!!

3-It's wet.

4-My car decides to be sickly.

5-The cold makes my windshield crack. Which I wouldn't have a problem with if that stupid pick up truck hadn't so rudely flipped a rock at my windshield and chip it!

Posilutely absotively.

Positivity is a hard thing to maintain. It seems like as soon as someone gives you the wrong look, your day is shot. I've been trying to be more positive as I've noticed I undersell things like how my day went. Maybe it's because I expect someone to feel bad for me, but even on days that weren't particularly bad, I find something to complain about like the girls at work just gossip and there's no unity or I'm not getting enough hours at work, or I got called into work on short notice, or my family is just the worst! But either way I find ways to complain about my life.

I recently had a conversation with a close friend who is just having a really rough time right now with her life in general. She's not getting enough hours at work and lives in a big city with little to no job opportunities for her and because of the demographics where she lives, she's under qualified for a lot of positions.

Not only is this hard on her, but it is wearing on her relationship with her significant other. She trying really hard to find another job but it's just not producing any results. Without getting into too much detail, basically her life is just about hell right now. As I was listening to her explain everything that has been going on I couldn't help but think I've really got nothing to complain about....yeah, wedding planning is stressful and hard when nothing goes how you envisioned it and it sucks to not be able to have as many hours as you would like sometimes but when you live with your parents and have amazing friends and an incredible fiancé, you really have absolutely nothing to complain about, at all. Even when you're having a fight with your sister over stupid things. Life is great. It's hard, but it's great.

A quick trip to Smith's

We all know the dread of our vehicle getting hit by a shopping cart and the damage that it could potentially cause. And we know how people always leave carts just hanging out in random parking spots because they're just too lazy to bring it back to the store or even to a cart parking spot? Well, last night my Mom, Dad and I took a trip to Smith's where there were three shopping carts in the spot we pulled into. Instead of stopping and waiting for someone to get out and move the carts for him, my dad decided to slowly push the carts out of the way with the car. As he was pushing the carts, one of them turned enough that it started rolling down the parking lot, straight towards a car with people sitting inside.

I could see their eyes. They were watching the cart roll straight toward them, probably getting ready to get all sorts of angry. We were watching it thinking of some way to develop super speed so we could jump out of the car and stop the shopping cart before it hit the front end of that car. We all watched in anticipation to see what would happen next, sure that the cart was going to come to a sudden halt thanks to bumper of the black dodge Durango. As the cart got closer, the tension got thicker and just as we were sure they were going to collide, at the very last second, the shopping cart changed direction just enough to narrowly miss the car completely and come to a stop by bumping into the tire of a nearby vehicle--with no one inside.

I couldn't help but laugh. And neither could Dad. We were laughing pretty hard when I caught the eye of the man in the driver's seat who was also laughing. We shared a moment. A hilarious, completely unexpected moment.

Alright. ALRIGHT!

I'll update my blog.

So it's been about a month and a half since I posted anything. My apologies.

Things are going really well with Jared and I. We see each other every day, we hug and kiss and cuddle and fight and all that lovey-dovey cutsie crap.

Last month (December) we took a drivey poo to Salt Lake to see the lights on Temple Square. It was a great trip! I got to see and meet Eli McCann, the author of this blog, at a small venue in Provo where he told of his worst Christmas ever. (you can watch the video here)

Eli McCann and I after the show

The next day we went to Temple Square to have lunch with one of the ladies from my mission. She is from Peterborough, Ontario and has a son that lives in Utah and she was in town visiting them for 6 weeks. I just adore her.

My Skirtain

Sister Wilkie is the type of person that you just love to be with. She's like your second grandma (or your third grandma...i only had one). Whenever I went over to the Wilkie's house I would stare at their kitchen curtains, which were the epitome of the 1970s, and envision a high waist pencil skirt. A few months ago, Sister Wilkie decided her kitchen needed a face lift and I immediately jumped on the opportunity to inherit her curtains. I made the exact pencil skirt I had envisioned and wore it to lunch at the Lion House where Melissa (one of my mission companions) joined in. It was a great reunion. We had a great time talking about all the sisters that had served there in the last year and all the members in the ward and how they were doing. It was really fun and nice catching up.

I'm really horrible at making things flow. I like using bullet points for that reason. Because I'm going to just skip ahead to that night. We (Jared and I) (also, I use a lot of parenthesis) went to dinner at SUSHI GROOVE!! It's the best sushi I've had since being back from Canada. Or ever. The jury is still out on that one. And mine wifey joined us. After dinner, Wifey had a wedding open house to go to so she left us alone to go see the lights. FINALLY! Jared just wanted to go see them SO BAD!

We got back to Temple Square and it was packed. But don't worry, I saw someone I knew. From Boise, even. Only he goes to BYU so it's not THAT surprising. CJ. Punk. Anyway, there were a lot of people and the lights were bright. There was even a few inches of snow on the ground. Cue the mood. It was just perfect. Really cold, but perfect. And Jared must have thought so too, because as soon as we got to the reflection pond in front of the temple, Jared got all fidgety and twitchy and pulled something out of his pocket, took his hat off, and got down on one knee...

YEP! Jared asked me to marry him. Jared asked ME to MARRY HIM!! At TEMPLE SQUARE!! UNDER THE LIGHTS!! AT THE REFLECTION POND!!!

He put THIS ring on it.

I love that boy. He's an ASS but I love him. He took me on a horse drawn carriage ride around the square and we just had fun. Mostly because he was on cloud nine. You should have seen his face. But also because our driver (is that what they're called?) was a hoot. She stood up and danced while we were stopped in traffic and messed with the other carriage drivers and almost hit a mini van in the very narrow street.

It was loads of fun. And definitely the best weekend trip to Salt Lake I could ever ask for.

Not a lot has happened since then. Which was nearly a month ago. Christmas was Christmas, my birthday was spent with Jared, biscuits and gravy, and the last 4 Harry Potter movies. New Years was brought in with a bang and a kiss and a lot of blood. And here we are. Slowly planning wedding stuffs and just hanging out with each other and having a ball.

Can I be married yet?

11/21/2013

I took a trip out to Juniper with Forrest this morning to get a cow. Forrest recently rear ended someone and buggered up his bumper, so he built himself a new one with a grill guard. The thing is a beast. (See picture) One of the neighbors helped us with the cow and had to stop to talk with Forrest about the bumper. Another neighbor, Ben, had some papers for our dad, so we stopped in to pick them up and as Forrest and Ben were talking about the bumper, one of the other neighbors pulled in to drop something off and stayed to talk for a minute. I was sitting in the warm pick'emup truck and I couldn't help but think how amazing small towns are. How your neighbors are not only your neighbors, they're also your friends, colleagues, and coworkers. Small towns have an ecosystem all their own and it works.
When I say small town, I know a lot of you think a town of like two-three thousand. But that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying less than two hundred. To me, that is a small town. That's what I grew up knowing. That is what I love. I still long for that connection with my neighbors. To know them and to be able to trust them with anything, and also to be able to look out my kitchen window and not be able to see neighbors for at least a mile. That is the life.

Forrest's bumper

A note of gratitude. (i just love bishop campbell!)

My bishop has inspired me. Aside from encouraging me to say my prayers, he has so lovingly helped me to have a desire to attend the Marsh Creek Single's Branch when I move back to Declo. He helped me have a desire to serve and to make that the primary reason I go. He also helped me to have a desire to help the branch grow. To bring back those souls who have fallen away.
Time to dust off that old missionary tag. Get out your gumption; there are souls to save!

I've been playing psychotherapist with myself....

Feelings aren't something we shared or were very in touch with in my house growing up. Of all 7 of my siblings, I'm the only one who really shows any affection openly. I'm the one who says "I love you" upon parting or at random. Even my parents are not outwardly affectionate with each other or with us as their children. The only time we ever talked about our feelings is when we tried to guilt trip one another by saying the exact phrase: "you hurt my feelings". Of course it didn't work. It never worked. Because each of us were so emotionally detached that we had no idea what that phrase really meant. Feelings and emotions, aside from anger, were definitely looked down upon in our household. If you were happy, you were immediately shot down. If you were open with your thoughts beyond anything superficial, you were automatically made the dunce and laughing stock of the afternoon. If you cried at something someone said to you, of course you were ridiculed, called a baby, and teased for days or even years thereafter. Maybe that's why I didn't know what peace was. Maybe that's why it took me so long to recognize the influence of the Holy Ghost, and maybe that's why I run from it now. It's not as familiar as the feeling of constant contention and therefore it is a foreigner and an alien and must be shut out. And maybe that's why I'm so quick to rebel and be disobedient because the peace that comes from obedience is an unfamiliar feeling...
Don't get me wrong, I've come a long way in learning the difference between peace and blessings and what I've known as familiar. I have brief relapses, though, from time to time that send me into a pit, it seems. But the pit is never more than a few feet deep and something I can always pull myself out of. But there have been times when it was deeper than I could manage on my own and the only way out is to rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ.
To rely on someone else. To give my will over to the One who knows how to save me. To open up completely without reservation and accept help from the One who knows. This might possibly be the single most difficult thing I ever have to do. A mission is a breeze compared to letting my guard down enough to allow someone to help me out of my pit of despair. But that's why we're here. To learn to be humble, meek, and submissive. To obey the will of the Father and use the atonement every day of our lives. I know that's truth so why is it so difficult to do it?

a realization about love and relationships

I realized tonight that I give up way too easily when it comes to relationships. As soon as I start to feel a little bit of doubt and care a little bit less I end it. I've been feeling that hardcore, off and on, for the last week and particularly the last couple days while Jared has been here. I don't know where it came from but it just happened. I had been fighting with myself for the last 2 days trying to decide if I should break up with Jared or just put things on pause or what. Today was hard. This morning was amazing but as the day wore on the more tired I got thus the more contemplative. I think Jared could tell something was up but I just told him I was just really tired, which I was.

Anyway after I got to work last night he and I were talking, it just came up how I've been feeling and it turns out he has been feeling it too. I was expecting us to break up since that seems like the most viable option when something doesn't seem to be going the way you hoped. You just stop it and give up. You don't analyze the problem and try to find ways to fix it. You just throw it out and hope the next one will work better than the last. But we talked. Jared told me, basically that he is willing to figure out what went wrong and what we need to do to fix it.

Hello rude awakening! Why do I give up before things get good? I dated 2 different guys each lasting about a week because I didn't feel the same about them as I once had. It never even crossed my mind to talk it out rather than just ending it. I wonder where that comes from...the hypocritical thought process of mine where when I hear of people not working out I think they just didn't try hard enough but when it comes to me, as soon as I feel a tinge of doubt I tell myself "Welp that was fun! Time to move on." Wrong! Jared made me realize the importance of working out our issues. We're dating, for heaven's sake! We are in a serious, committed relationship. We love each other and even though I may not have felt it at the time, I knew that love doesn't just end. Not so abruptly, anyway. And i believe once you have feelings for a person, doesn't matter who they are, that you never really stop caring for them, be it love or hate, feelings don't just cease. And that's how I knew I needed to fight with all I had to get that love back. Hand in hand with the love of my life. It's what we both wanted!

In all honesty, after we talked about it and we had decided that we wanted to figure and work things out, I still felt like we had just broken up. It wasn't until he came to visit me at work that I took the time and the opportunity to see him for the person he is and to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. He stayed for a few hours while I worked and we talked like we never have before. That was the exact thing...the one and only thing that needed to happen at that point in time to help us (or at least me) to feel secure about our decision. We had fun. We joked and laughed. I cried, but it was good. We were on the same page and we were moving forward. We talked about the things we are doing as a couple and were quickly able to come up with a few things that we could change that would improve the strength of our relationship. And so far, so good!

Moral of the story? The best things in life are worth fighting for, and when you have someone fighting along side you for the same cause, it makes it easier and so much more worth it!

I've got this terrible habit....

Of writing out posts and then saving them in fhe drafts to complete and/or edit later and then not getting around to it for weeks....
I have one in the drafts that has been there since Wednesday. So I'm going to edit it right now and post it! Thanks for the nags Cara! I needed them :)