My bishop has inspired me. Aside from encouraging me to say my prayers, he has so lovingly helped me to have a desire to attend the Marsh Creek Single's Branch when I move back to Declo. He helped me have a desire to serve and to make that the primary reason I go. He also helped me to have a desire to help the branch grow. To bring back those souls who have fallen away.
Time to dust off that old missionary tag. Get out your gumption; there are souls to save!
Wednesday
I've been playing psychotherapist with myself....
Feelings aren't something we shared or were very in touch with in my house growing up. Of all 7 of my siblings, I'm the only one who really shows any affection openly. I'm the one who says "I love you" upon parting or at random. Even my parents are not outwardly affectionate with each other or with us as their children. The only time we ever talked about our feelings is when we tried to guilt trip one another by saying the exact phrase: "you hurt my feelings". Of course it didn't work. It never worked. Because each of us were so emotionally detached that we had no idea what that phrase really meant. Feelings and emotions, aside from anger, were definitely looked down upon in our household. If you were happy, you were immediately shot down. If you were open with your thoughts beyond anything superficial, you were automatically made the dunce and laughing stock of the afternoon. If you cried at something someone said to you, of course you were ridiculed, called a baby, and teased for days or even years thereafter. Maybe that's why I didn't know what peace was. Maybe that's why it took me so long to recognize the influence of the Holy Ghost, and maybe that's why I run from it now. It's not as familiar as the feeling of constant contention and therefore it is a foreigner and an alien and must be shut out. And maybe that's why I'm so quick to rebel and be disobedient because the peace that comes from obedience is an unfamiliar feeling...
Don't get me wrong, I've come a long way in learning the difference between peace and blessings and what I've known as familiar. I have brief relapses, though, from time to time that send me into a pit, it seems. But the pit is never more than a few feet deep and something I can always pull myself out of. But there have been times when it was deeper than I could manage on my own and the only way out is to rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ.
To rely on someone else. To give my will over to the One who knows how to save me. To open up completely without reservation and accept help from the One who knows. This might possibly be the single most difficult thing I ever have to do. A mission is a breeze compared to letting my guard down enough to allow someone to help me out of my pit of despair. But that's why we're here. To learn to be humble, meek, and submissive. To obey the will of the Father and use the atonement every day of our lives. I know that's truth so why is it so difficult to do it?
Don't get me wrong, I've come a long way in learning the difference between peace and blessings and what I've known as familiar. I have brief relapses, though, from time to time that send me into a pit, it seems. But the pit is never more than a few feet deep and something I can always pull myself out of. But there have been times when it was deeper than I could manage on my own and the only way out is to rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ.
To rely on someone else. To give my will over to the One who knows how to save me. To open up completely without reservation and accept help from the One who knows. This might possibly be the single most difficult thing I ever have to do. A mission is a breeze compared to letting my guard down enough to allow someone to help me out of my pit of despair. But that's why we're here. To learn to be humble, meek, and submissive. To obey the will of the Father and use the atonement every day of our lives. I know that's truth so why is it so difficult to do it?
Tuesday
a realization about love and relationships
I realized tonight that I give up way too easily when it comes to relationships. As soon as I start to feel a little bit of doubt and care a little bit less I end it. I've been feeling that hardcore, off and on, for the last week and particularly the last couple days while Jared has been here. I don't know where it came from but it just happened. I had been fighting with myself for the last 2 days trying to decide if I should break up with Jared or just put things on pause or what. Today was hard. This morning was amazing but as the day wore on the more tired I got thus the more contemplative. I think Jared could tell something was up but I just told him I was just really tired, which I was.
Anyway after I got to work last night he and I were talking, it just came up how I've been feeling and it turns out he has been feeling it too. I was expecting us to break up since that seems like the most viable option when something doesn't seem to be going the way you hoped. You just stop it and give up. You don't analyze the problem and try to find ways to fix it. You just throw it out and hope the next one will work better than the last. But we talked. Jared told me, basically that he is willing to figure out what went wrong and what we need to do to fix it.
Hello rude awakening! Why do I give up before things get good? I dated 2 different guys each lasting about a week because I didn't feel the same about them as I once had. It never even crossed my mind to talk it out rather than just ending it. I wonder where that comes from...the hypocritical thought process of mine where when I hear of people not working out I think they just didn't try hard enough but when it comes to me, as soon as I feel a tinge of doubt I tell myself "Welp that was fun! Time to move on." Wrong! Jared made me realize the importance of working out our issues. We're dating, for heaven's sake! We are in a serious, committed relationship. We love each other and even though I may not have felt it at the time, I knew that love doesn't just end. Not so abruptly, anyway. And i believe once you have feelings for a person, doesn't matter who they are, that you never really stop caring for them, be it love or hate, feelings don't just cease. And that's how I knew I needed to fight with all I had to get that love back. Hand in hand with the love of my life. It's what we both wanted!
In all honesty, after we talked about it and we had decided that we wanted to figure and work things out, I still felt like we had just broken up. It wasn't until he came to visit me at work that I took the time and the opportunity to see him for the person he is and to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. He stayed for a few hours while I worked and we talked like we never have before. That was the exact thing...the one and only thing that needed to happen at that point in time to help us (or at least me) to feel secure about our decision. We had fun. We joked and laughed. I cried, but it was good. We were on the same page and we were moving forward. We talked about the things we are doing as a couple and were quickly able to come up with a few things that we could change that would improve the strength of our relationship. And so far, so good!
Moral of the story? The best things in life are worth fighting for, and when you have someone fighting along side you for the same cause, it makes it easier and so much more worth it!
Anyway after I got to work last night he and I were talking, it just came up how I've been feeling and it turns out he has been feeling it too. I was expecting us to break up since that seems like the most viable option when something doesn't seem to be going the way you hoped. You just stop it and give up. You don't analyze the problem and try to find ways to fix it. You just throw it out and hope the next one will work better than the last. But we talked. Jared told me, basically that he is willing to figure out what went wrong and what we need to do to fix it.
Hello rude awakening! Why do I give up before things get good? I dated 2 different guys each lasting about a week because I didn't feel the same about them as I once had. It never even crossed my mind to talk it out rather than just ending it. I wonder where that comes from...the hypocritical thought process of mine where when I hear of people not working out I think they just didn't try hard enough but when it comes to me, as soon as I feel a tinge of doubt I tell myself "Welp that was fun! Time to move on." Wrong! Jared made me realize the importance of working out our issues. We're dating, for heaven's sake! We are in a serious, committed relationship. We love each other and even though I may not have felt it at the time, I knew that love doesn't just end. Not so abruptly, anyway. And i believe once you have feelings for a person, doesn't matter who they are, that you never really stop caring for them, be it love or hate, feelings don't just cease. And that's how I knew I needed to fight with all I had to get that love back. Hand in hand with the love of my life. It's what we both wanted!
In all honesty, after we talked about it and we had decided that we wanted to figure and work things out, I still felt like we had just broken up. It wasn't until he came to visit me at work that I took the time and the opportunity to see him for the person he is and to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. He stayed for a few hours while I worked and we talked like we never have before. That was the exact thing...the one and only thing that needed to happen at that point in time to help us (or at least me) to feel secure about our decision. We had fun. We joked and laughed. I cried, but it was good. We were on the same page and we were moving forward. We talked about the things we are doing as a couple and were quickly able to come up with a few things that we could change that would improve the strength of our relationship. And so far, so good!
Moral of the story? The best things in life are worth fighting for, and when you have someone fighting along side you for the same cause, it makes it easier and so much more worth it!
I've got this terrible habit....
Of writing out posts and then saving them in fhe drafts to complete and/or edit later and then not getting around to it for weeks....
I have one in the drafts that has been there since Wednesday. So I'm going to edit it right now and post it! Thanks for the nags Cara! I needed them :)
I have one in the drafts that has been there since Wednesday. So I'm going to edit it right now and post it! Thanks for the nags Cara! I needed them :)
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