I've been playing psychotherapist with myself....

Feelings aren't something we shared or were very in touch with in my house growing up. Of all 7 of my siblings, I'm the only one who really shows any affection openly. I'm the one who says "I love you" upon parting or at random. Even my parents are not outwardly affectionate with each other or with us as their children. The only time we ever talked about our feelings is when we tried to guilt trip one another by saying the exact phrase: "you hurt my feelings". Of course it didn't work. It never worked. Because each of us were so emotionally detached that we had no idea what that phrase really meant. Feelings and emotions, aside from anger, were definitely looked down upon in our household. If you were happy, you were immediately shot down. If you were open with your thoughts beyond anything superficial, you were automatically made the dunce and laughing stock of the afternoon. If you cried at something someone said to you, of course you were ridiculed, called a baby, and teased for days or even years thereafter. Maybe that's why I didn't know what peace was. Maybe that's why it took me so long to recognize the influence of the Holy Ghost, and maybe that's why I run from it now. It's not as familiar as the feeling of constant contention and therefore it is a foreigner and an alien and must be shut out. And maybe that's why I'm so quick to rebel and be disobedient because the peace that comes from obedience is an unfamiliar feeling...
Don't get me wrong, I've come a long way in learning the difference between peace and blessings and what I've known as familiar. I have brief relapses, though, from time to time that send me into a pit, it seems. But the pit is never more than a few feet deep and something I can always pull myself out of. But there have been times when it was deeper than I could manage on my own and the only way out is to rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ.
To rely on someone else. To give my will over to the One who knows how to save me. To open up completely without reservation and accept help from the One who knows. This might possibly be the single most difficult thing I ever have to do. A mission is a breeze compared to letting my guard down enough to allow someone to help me out of my pit of despair. But that's why we're here. To learn to be humble, meek, and submissive. To obey the will of the Father and use the atonement every day of our lives. I know that's truth so why is it so difficult to do it?